this is something i wrote a long while ago and i wanted to present to you... here... first...
for the soul who feels they've hit a wall battling the curse of addition.
the soul who cannot see the doors or windows to escape her barrier.
the soul who relapsed after years of sobriety from alcohol, drugs, food, or any form of self-sabotage.
the soul who is destined to find her way...
i've been there before too... so dearest one, this is for you...
it's my last sip
my last bite,
my last hit of what no longer feels right.
oh, the wild ride and troubled mind, given the gene of the addictive-kind.
today, new challenges present their masks. and i get to implement all the tools i’ve picked and preached in the past. as if the universe is gifting me this opportunity to re-live a message i intend to understand… eh hem, since i asked.
i’m not alone in the hands of sadness. i’m not alone, even in the shade of isolation.
for the ironic thing is the lie i believe that i’m the only one who can guide me to salvation.
to be with yourself, your own self, except, perhaps a “hello” on occasion.
to be with your own self ninety-eight percent of your days… for months… brings many suppressed wounds and shadows to surface, and scarier yet, the new delusional mental rehearses.
delusions of illusions of unworthiness.
and the most unfriendliest lies for the psyche.
illusions of new untouched demons to face. new inner treasons to erase. with a space in my heart frozen to ice.
and the problem, embarrassingly, is not the illusion, for of course, she’s unreal. the problem is listening to her. believing her. acting upon her whispers. even when we know better. even when she knows better. when i know better.
i doubted myself. i distanced myself. i caved. i starved. i fed. and i bled a little inside every day.
with a shell that smiles. but a soul who feels astray.
i don’t know how this was triggered.
but that’s the curse of this wall of addiction.
it’s spell may dwell after we sober. we sober. we cleanse. we forgive our sins… and then… we’re triggered… she appears like a wizard.
and guides us to follow the unpaved path of short-term renew. the shortcut to a destination known as “feel good” for a moment or two. this shortcut will lead you to release the rest of your day, for a moment or two. to forget the scenic path you were prancing on, for a moment or two.
because her easy shortcut, unpaved and free, allows us to escape our twenty-something troubles for a moment or three.
but all i know is… i’ll be okay. i have the tools to find my way. never doubt this inner compass, to take a long way. whether i have to knock down great walls of bricks, i trust the stronger way will lead me to a destination known as “bliss”,
so i can serve my purpose for longer than a moment or three.
and instead i’ll spend this moment in stillness. to breath and remember the core of me. and another moment to step outside of my shell, look down at her with the eye of a bird to observe… this… isn’t… me.
and you see… i see i am more powerful than “her” most somber low could ever be. more light than “her” darkest show will ever see.
so here she is. here i am. miss rehabilitating queen.
forgiving their cast, forgetting her past, and ready to again be seen.